Browsing Tag

Ectopic

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The first trimester

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Looking back at my diary entries from this time seems like a lifetime ago; this pregnancy has moved incredibly slowly for me: each week, day, sometimes hour, feeling like a lifetime.  However, what I do remember of the first trimester was the safety of the secret bubble.  Only Andy, myself and our midwife knew that we were expecting baby number two, so the only pressure we felt was from ourselves and our own internal dialogues of anxiety.  We were away in a foreign country, undertaking an epic adventure in Orla’s memory with Andy cycling the length of the Pacific Coast of America and me driving as his support vehicle.  Each day was busy, offering much needed distraction and we had no one else to worry about.
However, I feel that I am also viewing this period with rose tinted spectacles, since as time has progressed, I have found pregnancy after loss to get harder and harder with each milestone reached and the next set in front of me.  The first trimester was tough; for example, I wouldn’t recommend driving 4000 miles when suffering with pregnancy nausea and tiredness (there were lots of stop offs at scenic viewpoints for a bit of dry heaving and then napping over the steering wheel).  I also found the lack of access to the food I wanted when I wanted, as well as the rest of my home comforts, incredibly difficult. Continue Reading

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Tommy's Mum's Voice Award 2017

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I am proud and overwhelmed to share that I have been shortlisted for Tommy’s Mum’s Voice Award 2017.  This is an award that celebrates mums who have spoken out about their own pregnancy experiences, and in doing so have helped and given hope and support to others.  I am honoured to have been shortlisted alongside some other incredible mums who have helped me immensely through 2016 and who are all are worthy of winning. I feel so lucky to know them and their babies, and to be able to call them friends.
I have spoken out about losing Orla, my experience of stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy and pregnancy after loss, the impact that this has on myself and Andy and how we are learning to navigate life after loss and survive our heartbreak – all in the hope that it will make a difference in some way.  There is so little that I can do for Orla now that she is gone, but the love I have for her drives me to do anything I can to keep her memory alive, and to try and help others. It is something that I hope would make her, and our future children, proud.
I have openly shared things that I would never have done before, in the anticipation that I can do my little bit towards breaking the silence that I feel exists around pregnancy and child loss.  I believe talking is the thing that can make a difference.  My passion for improving mental health support for parents has leaked from my work life into my personal one (or rather, crashed into it), and being on the other side of services has meant that I have been given a new and very different perspective. For me, this makes this nomination all the more meaningful. Continue Reading

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I didn’t know that I was allowed to feel sad

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I am aware that I haven’t ever written about my first loss, yet I have found my mind contemplating this a lot over the last few weeks.  Long days of driving alone have allowed my mind to meander through a number of events and as it is Baby Loss Awareness Week, it felt right to write something now.  I’m also aware that I haven’t read many accounts of ectopic pregnancies before, which is interesting seeing as this is the outcome for 1/100 pregnancies.  Not all end in the way that mind did, as some are caught earlier and can be managed less invasively.  But for me, I was suddenly made aware of the many dangers, some life threatening, that women can face on their journey to motherhood.
 
It was a Monday morning when I started bleeding.  We had been trying for a baby for four months and I had just finished my period the week before; no baby this month.  I called the GP in a bit of a panic as I was feeling unwell and shocked by the heavy unexpected flow.  She was blunt and to the point – ‘the last time someone described these symptoms to me, they were pregnant’.  I responded by asking if this meant that I would be miscarrying and she curtly replied that this was ‘a possible theory’ and that I should come in and see her that evening. Continue Reading

Mental health and wellbeing

Take nothing but memories, leave nothing but footprints

“The real essence of your distinctive footprints may least be felt in your presence and much more in your absence”
Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

Andy and I like to travel, although I’m more of a novice.  Andy has visited over 80 countries and taken on many weird and wonderful adventures.  A year after we met, changes in work circumstances meant that we both left our jobs and travelled for 7 months through Africa and South America together.  Andy pushed me out of my comfort zone and encouraged me to do things that I never thought I could – and although at the time I often cursed him for it, I was always grateful afterwards.

We have found a shared love of seeing animals in their own habitats; mountain gorillas in Uganda, The Big Five in the Serengeti, sharks in South Africa.  We have stargazed in the Atacama desert and walked the Inca Trail to Machu Picchu.  We have visited witch doctors in remote African villages.  And when we found out that we were pregnant, we started to dream of taking our child to these places.  To give them the opportunity to see the beauty of the world through an unfiltered lens.  We discussed our desire for them to see animals in the wild rather than at the zoo and for them to learn to understand and appreciate diversity and other cultures.
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Loss, Mental health and wellbeing

Can I trust you?

Today I had my 6-week postnatal check up. This understandably brought up a lot of emotions, not helped by the inevitable waiting room full of babies and new parents. I had considered avoiding it altogether; in the aftermath of losing Orla and giving birth, my own physical health and wellbeing felt insignificant. Eating and drinking was a challenge at worst, a routine at best. I tried to walk the same distances that I had been just days before, heavily pregnant, but ended up leaning over walls and railings trying to gather the strength to manage the walk back home. I felt that I was not deserving of physical rest and recuperation, as if I should be punished for what had happened. At other times, I felt so detached from my own body that I may have been experiencing pain, but my mind wasn’t allowing it to register. I decided that I needed to give up sugar and caffeine and was almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight within two weeks. By this point I felt awful; my body ached, I had horrendous night sweats and just walking around the house left me exhausted. I’m sure that I had entered some kind of state of physical shock.
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