In a world where 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss and 1 in 8 couples experience fertility struggles, it still amazes me how little we speak of these things. Behind each #TTC hashtag there is a person or couple trying desperately to start their much wanted family and the pain, love and hope you see in those squares is palpable.
Given it can be so hard to talk about these things openly, social media gives the gift of anonymity; the ability to find a community that will give you overwhelming support without needing to talk to those you don’t feel ready to. There is work to do to help bring these conversations into our everyday language, but until then, it is incredible that people have a place to go and people to connect with. We no longer have to feel alone and isolated.
@journeyto_our_dream is one of these wonderful accounts which documents a couple’s journey towards parenthood and this beautiful letter captures one stage of this.
I don’t know where to begin. We have been on such a tough journey and we haven’t even met or seen you yet! It has been three and half years, I don’t like to count but I cannot help it. It sounds so odd and wrong saying this but I cannot wait to feel you, just to know that you are tucked up in the little home that my magical body can create for you, for nine whole months.
I have started having the dreaded conversation with people about why you are not here yet. It is difficult but not once have we had sympathy and that’s good, that is something I do not want. People have understood, given some advice but also asked questions when they have been unsure and this is the reaction we have wanted but not at all expected. People have wished us luck and you know they mean it, not given us any silly advice!!
One of the hardest parts of this journey has been telling some people that I am going to be leaving work soon to work in the family business. When I told one person who I am very close to at work that I was leaving for a split second I saw joy in her face that the next bit I was going to announce was that I was pregnant, to then see her face drop when I told her the real reason hurt me a lot. There are a lot of people in this world who cannot wait to meet you and you are going to be loved by so many people I wouldn’t have thought it would be possible.
I follow lots of accounts on social media to do with infertility and that is great and there is some good information but none of it is our story and it never will be. Our story is unique because we are unique and you will be too. Maybe one day I will write a story about our adventure to meeting Ours -you. This won’t be for others to offer them advice and support but it will be a story for you, I will call it Dear Ours and it will include every single letter I have written to you, and it will tell of our stages to getting to finally meet you!
This week has been so tough!!! I have had some unusual pain in my boobs. I had hoped and thought it was because I had a rather bumpy ride on a trailer (I cannot wait for you to have rides on it too). But the pain got worse and went on so I went to the doctor, let me tell you this was awkward but also let me tell you that you never have anything to be afraid of. It something does not seem right do not be afraid to get something checked out. So the doctor asked me all the usual questions and felt me and all of that. His conclusion was that my pain and discomfort is due to being hormonal. That is right the doctor thinks I could have you developing inside of me. I have been trying not to get my hopes up and I can feel my heart racing at the thought of this possibility as I write this letter to you. I have had some other symptoms but I have to wait a couple more weeks to do a test. When I went home and told your Daddy I saw that small shimmer of hope and excitement. I really hope that I get to meet you, and most of all see or feel you real soon.
I hope you enter the world soon to meet my grandparents, your great grandparents. They are so loving and I have so much to thank them for which you will be told about with much pride when you are old enough. Sadly they are both old and not doing too well at all, but I know that if you are inside me and get a chance to tell them that they will fight to hold onto life so they can meet you and hold you themselves.
As I always end my letters to you… Remember we love you already and cannot wait to feel, see and meet you!
Here is a little update, unfortunately the doctor was not right! I had to endure another 2 pregnancy tests for them both to come back negative. It’s not you causing the discomfort and that had broken me. I said I wouldn’t get my hopes up but I couldn’t help myself.