I must begin by saying that this is a long one; clearly anxiety was a very big deal in PAL! I must also say that this post doesn’t go into what I did to manage my anxiety, as I want to do that justice elsewhere. This is just me trying to make sense of what it really meant to feel the fear of PAL and how it manifested for me personally.
I would estimate that about 99% of the clients I have worked with throughout my career experience some form of anxiety, whether that be by itself or alongside depression and / or other mental health difficulties. I feel confident in talking about the origins and functions of anxiety, ways in which to understand and manage the symptoms using some basic strategies, as well as some more complex and exploratory therapy techniques. I had anxiety in the bag.
And then I experienced pregnancy after loss.

During a particularly stressful Sunday CTG
I thought I knew anxiety having experienced it on many occasions in different circumstances. I understood the stomach flipping, hands shaking, heart beating faster, mind spinning, difficulty thinking / talking / functioning that comes with being fearful. I understood the, sometimes catastrophic, interpretations I would make of situations and how this exacerbated these feelings. But what I didn’t understand was what it would be like to exist in a state of anxiety every single day. For almost every single minute of every single day. And reassurance was often short lived and in the moment – and for me, worked less effectively and for less time as pregnancy progressed.
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