When Orla died, I became aware of this quote that has been associated with Ronald Reagan who himself lost a child:

“When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them.”

As a lover of words, and as someone who devotes their life to finding ways to which to understand and describe things, this quote stuck with me.  We have so many words in the English language and yet not one that captures what it is to be a bereaved parent.  ‘Maybe it’s because it is so rare’ some may say.  Yet it is not.  There are thousands upon thousands of parents who are left questioning their identity in the wake of child loss.  Who feel invisible to the rest of the world.  And Nicole is someone who refuses to allow this to continue.

Nicole is the founder of Our Missing Peace, a charity that aims to spread awareness of pregnancy, baby and child loss and to help bereaved parents know that they are not alone.  Through Nicole, I have become aware of the term Vilomah, which is Sanskrit for ‘against the natural order’.  Because that is what baby and child loss is; it is against the natural order of life.  Nicole is campaigning to make this word more widely used and to give all parents who have experienced loss a clear identity.
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I will never forget the doctor who told me that Orla had died. I cannot bring her face to mind, bit when I saw her coming out of a hospital room some months later, I knew instantly who she was.  I remember her gentle tentativeness, her hand touching my leg, the sound of ‘I’m so sorry’. I remember her administering the pessary to induce labour and her willingness to sit and talk through the procedure.  She was young, probably quite early in her career.  But she was kind.  I can’t say the same for every person I came into contact with, and I know that so many parents have had very varied experiences.  However, I am grateful to have had someone who was able to show compassion at the time that I needed it most.

As someone who provides consultation and supervision to a range of professionals, I know full well how little emotional support is available to many medical staff.  But reading This is Going to Hurt (Adam Kay’s book) sucker punched me with it even more. Every single day, the staff that we so value in the NHS are dealing with life and death.  New life and death.  Death before life begins.  And yet they are often given little space to process or debrief. Continue Reading